September 2011
6 posts
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(Please note, I don’t mean to offend. I have been carrying a lot of this baggage with me over the last year and I really need to let it out. Also, excuse any grammatical errors, it’s 3am and I’ve only had six hours of sleep before this point. Also, don’t take any statements to heart. It’s been with me for a while and I need to let it out.)
Just the fact that you said that at the end of the...
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I fucking hate this. I want you to come back. It’s not okay that you’ve left me. God, fuck. I’m alone back here because you’re 1200 miles away. Fuck.
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Anonymous asked: is it bad that im going to have sex with a guy, just to find out what it feels like, not because i love him?
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Sometimes..
Sometimes I just want to kill you. Why can’t you see that I’m hurt? Why can’t you see that every mother fucking day that passes is another day I want to fucking kill myself and everyone around me? Fuck it, you know? I try so hard to put on this fake “I’m not sad that he left! I haven’t even cried about it!” routine, but I fucking cry every fucking night....
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Hunter: Why when I tell you something that I really, truly mean it but someone else says the same thing you are like 0.0
Me: Oh. Because I don't know. I know you think those things about me. You wouldn't stick around if you didn't. When it comes from a random person, it shocks me that someone could think that about me.
Hunter: No you just don't believe me when I say it, so you think it's impossible.
Me: It's not that. I just.. Idk. I don't believe anyone because of the way I think about myself. It's not that I like... Think you're lying. I just. It's me. I can't. Compliments. I can't fathom them.
Hunter: Why not. Just augh I'm going to hit you!
Me: Because my whole friggin life people have put me down. Even now, in high school, all the guys I go to school with that seem to matter call me Mrs Khan behind my back because I'm the only slightly-attractive fat girl at school. All the friends I used to have dropped me once we hit 10th grade. It's like I got ugly all of the sudden. And not just my physical appearance, but my personality. It's like no one likes me anymore but you and Jessica and everyone else is fake to me or uses me for something. I don't even like myself. Hoe can I when no one else seems to?
Hunter: But I do, Jacque. Is that not enough?
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Sometimes I want someone to talk to about this. Sometimes I want to be able to tell someone that I’m in pain. That I’m suffering tremendously. I want someone to see that I black out during class when someone asks me to ‘grab them a worksheet’. I want someone I can tell that I haven’t eaten in four days.
But most days I want to be alone.